As many of you may know, I have been seeking God in faith for guidance and His purpose to be done in my life. I did not believe that my work on earth was done, that my purpose was fulfilled; not having the confirmation of  God’s “dying mercies”. My wife and I have encouraged our faith to believe that “all things are possible with God” and that He IS Healing (Yahweh Rapha). What could we receive if only we could believe for it? We set our hearts to believe that God could do a miracle to glorify Himself and increase the faith of many by healing my body of the dehabilitating disease of A.L.S. For over a year we have known that my breath has been extremely compromised and that a tracheostomy was the only medical option, if I wanted to live.  My pulmonologist expressed his responsibility of a “reality check” for continued life on a ventilator stating that 95% of A.L.S patients decline to have this surgery. And for those, there are medications that make patients more comfortable from the air hunger they experience until their bodies finally desist and die. The other factors are; the family’s support and commitment of care giving, the financial burden, the understanding that the disease continues to progress leaving the patient (ie:me) completely paralyzed except for the movement of their eyes. Many times, the family is left with the decision of when it is time to “unplug” the ventilator; therefore sending the loved one onto the next life.

Having this information, combined with the apparent multiple consequential losses of independence, we searched our hearts whether we would regret the choice of a trach. It would be imperative that we perceive God’s will and enablement. Either decision seemed that it would take me drastically in different directions. We had been at this crossroad for some time, concerned with my being completely dependent on mechanical ventilation with the type of “separation tracheostomy” that I was strongly advised to have done. This type of tracheostomy results primarily in the inability to speak but also in non-use of the upper respiratory airway; incapacitating the sense of smell, sneezing or even blowing your’ nose. The other paramount question for us was the practical logistics of being vent-dependent; would I be able to walk if I was attached to a ventilator all the time? What do people do? I still had the ability, albeit unstable, to walk and retain an aspect of my “independence” while being otherwise dependent on everybody else.  Would life be rewarding if I lose these freedoms and my individual expression? Would I be able to serve my God?

My wife and I struggled with wanting to hear God’s will for my (our) future. We couldn’t trust our own hearts from day to day regarding the tracheostomy, despite our inquiry of the Lord to hear from Him, though earnestly reading and hearing the Word of God, prayer, fasting, counsel and thinking with the “mind of Christ”. We tried to discern what may be given as a provision or what was self-preservation or fear on our part. Again and again in the Word we read of the importance of speaking, we just couldn’t reconcile to take upon ourselves a decision to physically alter my larynx (voice box) although the threat of aspiration was of primary concern.  (Praise God this wasn’t His intention for me either!) We wanted to make sure our ears were open to hear His leading. So we essentially just “stood still” for dread of choosing our own way. We vacillated back and forth; finally, I prayed that the Lord would make the choice for me.

Wednesday, Mar 18^th I awoke from a dream where I had seen Jesus through the window where I sit daily. He was standing about 30’ from me, smiling, on the other side of the fence by my car. His expression was happy and loving, he said to me, “Follow me” then he turned away as if he were going somewhere and he said “let’s go…” That was it, but I was encouraged as I told my wife and thought more about it. Where were we be going? I entertained the many places and turning points this could represent. It was mysterious to me but I was glad for the encouragement. That Friday, March 20^th, my wife also had a special impartation from the Lord. In the morning she had overslept and was pre-occupied in getting our daughter up and off to school. Her mind was completely thinking on the things she needed to prepare. As she arose from bed she was surprised to hear a voice well up from within her saying “…I have prayed for you that your faith fail not”. After Kylee got off to school, Glennis looked up the verse found in Luke 22:32. This passage is where Jesus predicts Peter’s denial; He begins in verse 31 “Simon, Simon! Indeed Satan has asked for you, that he may sift you as wheat. Vs. 32 But I HAVE PRAYED FOR YOU THAT YOUR FAITH SHOULD NOT FAIL; and when you have returned to me, strengthen your brethren”.  (NKJV)

Glennis and I did not know that the following morning we would begin our journey into the unknown. God had lovingly prepared us and given each of us a personal word of exhortation.  “To him the doorkeeper opens, and the sheep hear his voice; and he calls his own sheep by name and leads them out.” (John 10:3)  It was time, things were prepared, His grace was extended, He strengthened our hearts.

I’ve written everything above to describe the paralyzation in the fear of the unknown versus trusting God in new and greater degrees. We have been on a journey that began when I was brought to the emergency room Saturday, Mar 21^st because of a probable viral cold causing a mucous cast within my windpipe that impeding breath to reach my lungs. I remained on my Bi-pap for the following 12 days & nights and was also treated for pneumonia. April 1^st, I had a standard (not “separation”) tracheostomy surgery. We stayed in the hospital for 20 days then were transferred to a nursing home for another 20 days. On the 40^th day (April 29^th) we returned to our home. I would like to take more time to expound on the many ways that God was with us in all that we experienced since the beginning of Spring. I hope to write at least three different segments following this posting to share with you how God carried us through the valley of the shadow of death.

Surely goodness and mercy have followed me, and God has had His covering over us during these Death Valley days. I boast in the Lord that nothing was insurmountable as what we thought or imagined. God’s will for me became very clear in the days before my surgery. We did still hold out hope, however, for God to miraculously intervene at anytime up until the incision. I’m currently back in the comfort of my home with my family, I mostly use the ventilator at night, I have regained my ability to walk independently and I have my voice to PRAISE THE LORD!

We wish to thank the many who have prayed, visited, called, written, inquired and expressed love and concern. Although we may not have had the opportunity to personally express our appreciation, we are convinced that your loving support upheld us. We are also so very thankful for those at the hospital and nursing home who served us with their hearts. As recipients of their specialized care we are eternally grateful, may God reward your service and bless you in return.

This entry was posted on Sunday, May 17th, 2009 at 6:19 pm and is filed under Journal. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.