I had a lot of time to think today. My wife were at a volleyball tourney supporting Kylee. I thought how if I didn’t have my neck brace that allows me to sit upright and also lean over to drool and spit phlegm into my spittoon throughout the day;  I would probably be gagging and choking most of the time (If someone was around they could also help by using my suction machine to clear my mouth).  Also, if I didn’t use a bi-pap at night, I could never sleep (because of the mucus rising up in my throat.) Surely, if I didn’t have a feeding tube, I would have perished already from starvation.

What has become increasingly clear to me is that God has used these interventive tools to sustain my life, because He is not finished with me yet (Heb 12:2). He is the one that is sustaining me (Is 27:2-3; Ps 55:22).Sometimes I feel defeated and cast down (2 Cor 4:8-9; Ps 42:5, 43:5) but like Joshua, God keeps telling me to get up and go forward into the promised land (Js 7:10). I simply cannot quit, Gods plans for me don’t include me quitting my race. One of my favorite stories in the Bible is in 1 Samuel 30. David and 600 men had just returned to Ziglag after fighting a battle somewhere else. While away, the Amalekites burned Ziglag and took the women and children of David and his men. Upon return from battle, David and his 600 men found Ziglag burning and their families gone. These men were bitterly grieved over this apparent loss, blaming David and wanting to stone him to death. David was greatly distressed over the matter and encouraged himself by seeking the Lord and asking God if he should pursue. God told David to pursue the Amalekites, and that he would recover ALL (everything that was stolen). David chose to act in faith and to pursue a promise made to him by God. He believed God before he received the promise. God tells us to pursue Him and we will recover ALL!

Last night I dreamed I saw someone I knew who asked me to give scriptures that confirmed my salvation. I said:

Jn 3:16 (“For God so greatly loved and dearly prized the world that He [even] gave up His only begotten unique) Son, so that whoever believes in (trusts in, clings to, relies on) Him shall not perish (come to destruction, be lost) but have eternal (everlasting) life.”) ,

Ro 5:18 (“Well then, as one man’s trespass [one man’s false step and falling away led] to condemnation for all men, so one Man’s act of righteousness [leads] to acquittal and right standing with God and life for all men.”)

Eph 2:8-9 (“For it is by free grace (God’s unmerited favor) that you are saved (delivered from judgment and made partakers of Christ’s salvation) through [your] faith. And this [salvation] is not of yourselves [of your own doing, it came not through your own striving], but it is the gift of God; Not because of works [not the fulfillment of the Law’s demands], lest any man should boast. [It is not the result of what anyone can possibly do, so no one can pride himself in it or take glory to himself.] “)

Then someone in my dream told me to say Rm 5:4 so I did: “Moreover [let us also be full of joy now!] let us exult and triumph in our troubles and rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that pressure and affliction and hardship produce patient and unswerving endurance. And endurance (fortitude) develops maturity of character (approved faith and tried integrity). And character [of this sort] produces [the habit of] joyful and confident hope of eternal salvation.”

A few thoughts on my walk with God considering these 9 years of physical weakness.

First, God is loving and faithful to always provide everything I need. I am learning that our spiritual body is far more important than we would think compared to the physical body. As my spiritual eyes are opening for me to see clearer, I’m increasingly perceiving the value and importance of a soul. “Value” is not calculated by our production or by what we “do” for God. Instead value is determined by what was done for us. Our lives are valuable to Christ because of His great love for us, revealed by His sacrifice on the Cross, because of His love, He gives us the privilege of seeing our worth and the worth and value of others.

For 9 years I was on a mission to find healing. After no real physical changes and intensified demonic attacks of despair, I resolved that it’s okay to die, if God wants me in heaven, then maybe it’s time. But God revealed that I still have value on the earth and questioned why was I believing a lie about my worth. Did I think a purposeful life was only about me and my physical & soul body? I was shown how selfish I had become. I then was shown in my spirit how a person has a profound affect on others, simply by encouraging, praying, smiling, forgiving, being faithful, and most importantly loving one another.

My spirit was greatly revived to know that although I had essentially given up to the Lord to take me, all that he needed to do was point me to Joshua and Elijah to see how God did not allow their circumstances to defeat them. He told Joshua to get up off his face after Joshua thought he would die at the hands of the Amorites (Jos 7:10). And in 1 Kings 19:5, God sent an Angel to tell Elijah to get up and eat after Elijah had fled from Jezebel and retreated to a brook where he laid down and told God he wanted to die. God had brought both these men to a place of desperation which they thought was physical death, but God only wanted them to see that it was their self life that had to die. Jesus can only live through me when I choose to die to my life of self. God desires for us to live in Him through faith because that is where the victory is that overcomes your circumstances (1 Jn 5:4).     

Last night after waking around 4 a.m. I heard the Holy Spirit clearly speak to me saying, “Everything written in my word is written in love” and “read Hebrews chapter 6, especially verse 13, because this is for you and where I have you now”. As I was meditating on this, the Holy Spirit spoke again and said very clearly, “be it unto you according to your faith, Mt 9:29, this is my gift to you Scott” and then He said, “great peace have they that love thy law and nothing shall offend them” Ps 119:165. I then drifted back to sleep and dreamed I was in a room hearing someone I recognized speak on the same bible verse that the Holy Spirit spoke to me in Mathew. I jumped up and said that Mathew 9:29 reads,  “according to your faith be it unto you.”

After I woke, Glennis and I gave glory and praise to God as we fellow-shipped in these words and scriptures. We talked about how God desires to show more convincingly and beyond doubt, the unchanging of His purpose and plan, to those who inherit what God has promised (Heb 6:17).  We magnified God’s promise and personalized promise of Mt 9:29, for a complete physical healing, despite what appears to be hopeless by sight. God has given us hope as an anchor of refuge in our soul. It cannot slip or break down, under the weight of anything stepping on it … Heb 6:19. We were impressed to consider how God desires for all of us to access the certainty of His presence within the veil, or the Holy of Holies. This place of refuge or green pasture, is where we find the lover of our soul, waiting to comfort us, and is available to all who hope in Him.

Kylee has a volleyball tournament in Mill Creek, Jessica is coaching and Glennis went to watch. I am home with God and the dog. I love to watch Volleyball, but with my constant spitting, and other issues, usually makes it hard for me to be out for longer than a couple of hours, so I stay home and type or read or listen to messages.

I have been thinking about heaven and eternity quite often; how our lives on this earth are only a vapor.  We now see through a glass darkly, but then face to face (Jms 4:14) what we see is passing away (1Co 7:31; 1Jn 2:17). How quickly we judge things by what we see (1Co 13:12  ) Yet, Jesus says not to judge by appearance (Jn 7:24). 

I tell my wife that when she puts on my custom neck brace, she is just putting on my costume. I mumble when I talk and look funny, so by sight I am rather peculiar, and people don’t really know what to make of me, because I don’t look or talk normal. I believe God gives us glimpses of true reality and eternal things, when we see someone or something that is strange or peculiar to us. These are times when God checks our hearts to see if the world is enticing us with it’s standards of judging by appearance, or if we will walk by God’s standard of love (1Jn 4:11-12) and walk by  faith not by sight (1Co 5:7).

This world is hypnotizing us with it’s images and lusts, trying to rob and steal from us the riches God has for us in Christ, (Jn10:10, Eph2:7, Heb11:26). These earthly desires for material gain and physical beauty cloud our eternal perspective during our time on the earth. We have been bought with a price (the Shed Blood of Christ) therefore we glorify God in our bodies and spirit, which are God’s (1Co 6:20). Because He died for us, we no longer live for ourselves, but for Him (2 Cor 5:15). We are exhorted to redeem our time on the earth because the days are evil (Eph 5:16).

We have purpose as ambassadors of Christ to be used in Christ’s stead to reconcile all men to Him (2 Co 5:18-20). Jesus is coming back again to the earth for His Bride in Matt 25. We are counseled  by Christ to buy from Him, gold tried by fire, that we may be rich and clothed in white raiment so that the shame of our nakedness doesn’t appear.Our eyes are to be annointed with eye salve so we can see (Rev 3:18) with our Spiritual eyes. This only happens when we die to self and willfully lay ourselves on the altar (Ro 12:1). We cast down our own opinions and vain imaginations bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ (1Cor 5:10). This may seem impossible to do because it is; in the natural, but we have access to the supernatural through faith. Jesus said in, Mt 19:26 “with man it is impossible, but with God all things are possible.” 

A few days ago, I felt weighed down by this illness, my only comfort was knowing that at night sometimes God speaks to me through dreams, so I couldn’t wait for the day to end, just so I could go to bed. God’s Spirit is always with us, even when we are sleeping (Heb 13:5, Ps 121:4, Joel 2:28). Sometimes during the night; I wake up with awful itching sensations, since I can’t scratch them without the help of my hands, I have to mentally block out these urges. During these times, God gives me scriptures like Ps 127:4 “He gives His beloved sleep” and Jonah 2:8 “They that regard lying vanities forsake their own mercy”

My body always wants to be appeased and is constantly needy whether I need to scratch an itch or manage bodily functions. God will always be merciful to us in our night seasons if we focus on Him as the source of our satisfaction and not our problems.

Today I sat outside for only 20 minutes in 60* weather. I use to love soaking in the sun for hours in much warmer weather. I only lasted 20 minutes, because my breathing is more shallow, and I felt like I was inhaling heat. Also my metabolism is messed up and I get overheated more easily now. (I now always use a fan and prefer cooler weather and air conditioning.)  I was thinking that all goodness comes from God (Jms 1:17), and especially our breath, (Gen 2:7, Job 33:4) and I thought how awful it would be, to be separated from God’s gift of goodness of not being able to breathe. As a believer in Christ, when we stop breathing in this life, we have a confident assurance that we will instantly be present with the Lord (2 Cor 5:8) non believers have no such hope. In Lk 16:23-24 the rich man, while in hell, asked Abraham to send for Lazarus, so he could dip the tip of his finger in water, to cool his tongue, for he was tormented in flames, but the rich man was told that his request would be denied, because there was a fixed gulf between heaven and hell.

Last night I had a very vivid dream or vision. I was visiting a friend and we were discussing healing. While in conversation I began hearing heavenly voices singing the hallelujah chorus to Handel’s Messiah. I told my friend that I liked that hymn and just after the song started, my left arm began to raise and praise God, then my right arm. I could literally feel the physical sensation of my arms being raised and praising God. I began to shout, “It’s happening, its happening!” Then I thought, “I have to tell everyone” This is when I woke up, and looked at the clock, it was 3:59 a.m.I lay in bed for 2 hours thinking about the dream, and praising God about the eternal reality of my healing. I felt God leading me to John, chapter 11, where Jesus told Martha and Mary concerning their brother Lazarus’ sickness in Jn 11:4 “this disease is not unto death but for the glory of God” Then Jesus begins to speak to Martha about the resurrection not only being a spiritual truth concerning the body in the future, but a present reality that Jesus is the resurrection and the life, and He can heal our diseased bodies NOW!

“Martha then said to Jesus, Master, if you had been here, my brother would not have died. And even now I know that whatever You ask from God, He will grant it to you. Jesus said to her, your brother shall rise again. Martha replied, I know that he will rise again in the resurrection at the last day. Jesus said to her, I am [Myself] the Resurrection and the Life. Whoever believes in (adheres to, trusts in, and relies on) Me, although he may die, yet he shall live; And whoever continues to live and believes in (has faith in, cleaves to, and relies on) Me shall never [actually] die at all. Do you believe this? vs40 Jesus said to her, Did I not tell you and promise you that if you would believe and rely on Me, you would see the glory of God?” Jn 11: 21-26,40 

I have been feeling more and more detached from this earthly life.

 “..confessed they were strangers and pilgrims on the earth” Heb 11:13;

“If you call on the Father, who without respect to persons, judgeth according to each mans work, pass the time of your SOJOURNING here in fear” 1 Pet 1:17.  

My home is not in Puyallup, WA or anywhere else on the earth, (“For here we have no continuing city, but seek one to come” Heb 13:14.)  I am finding more pleasure talking with God and fellow-shipping in His Word with Him as a son, than partaking in daily activities in this life. The cares of this world and the desires for things in this world pale to the fulfillment I have exploring the Word of God,

“..The cares of this world, and deceitfulness of riches and lusts thereof, choke the word and it becomes unfruitful” Mk 4:19; 

“Dearly beloved, I beseech you as STRANGERS and PILGRIMS to abstain from fleshly lusts, which war against the soul” 1 Pt 2:11.

Often times, I identify with the apostle Paul in 2 Cor 5, when he refers the physical body to a tent, groaning and yearning to have it replaced with a heavenly garment and also saying he would rather be absent from the body so he could be present with the Lord. I also know that I am Christ’s ambassador to my generation and I cannot quit or give up while I am here. I am here for a reason and must finish my race. One day I will be held to account for my time here. So even though I would rather be with Him, He motivates and strengthens me daily with His love, faith, and grace to keep going. He gives me courage to compel others to be reconciled to Christ.

I have been meditating on Christ’s suffering for my personal sin. The thought of my Savior suffering and paying the penalty of death for me, is overwhelming. Not only every sin I would ever commit, but every sin that all of humanity would commit, He personally suffered and paid for so that I would not have to!

“Surely He has borne our grieves (sicknesses, weaknesses, and distresses) and carried our sorrows and pains [of punishment], yet we [ignorantly] considered Him stricken, smitten, and afflicted by God [as if with leprosy]But He was wounded for our transgressions, He was bruised for our guilt and iniquities; the chastisement [needful to obtain] peace and well-being for us was upon Him, and with the stripes [that wounded] Him we are healed and made whole. All we like sheep have gone astray, we have turned every one to his own way; and the Lord has made to light upon Him the guilt and iniquity of us all” (Is 53:4-6).