Over the last few months I have wrestled in prayer with a weighty decision, “should I have a tracheotomy and put on a ventilator to have my breathing done by a machine?” or “Should I refuse to be ‘trached’ and risk dying by respiratory failure or pneumonia?”  My breathing had gotten so bad that without my bi-pap machine (external ventilator) I was gasping for breath, I felt like I was suffocating; involuntarily my body would go into a panic. This was very frightening, when trying to draw a breath I couldn’t get enough air. I had to again go to the emergency room; I received more antibiotics, of which my body is becoming resistant to.  We then went to our pulmonologist at the University of Washington; he made it clear that to go forward with a life dependant on ventilation still does not cure the progressive wasting of the ALS disease, the lungs continue to be mechanically supported while the body becomes paralyzed throughout. He also advised me that if I still chose to go forward with the tracheotomy, we need to do it urgently or if I was to refuse the trach there are ways to manage the air hunger through medications until my ultimate demise. We have since have had another consultation with the surgeon at the UW who would do the operation; we had this same conversation last April.  We have also gone to a private practice pulmonologist in our town. I have begun my fourth antibiotic within six weeks since having discharged from the ER in January.

We have been searching, seeking, asking, praying, meditating and fasting what would best glorify the Lord in our life (my wife & I) with what we had been entrusted.  Different days, our viewpoint has swung completely from the previous day. We have come to an understanding that ours is an individual decision, that God doesn’t condemn us either way. Although we believe our decisions may limit His best for us. We have sensed His love and know that He is with us. We could debate the benefit or detriment of either direction and don’t care to presume our eventual course of action to be right for anyone else. God must give us faith either way; we just don’t like the presented “choices”. The options given to me just are not what I have always felt in my spirit regarding my receiving a healing from the Lord…that is my true conviction.

During this time in February, the Lord asked me within myself, “was I following him or the miracle?” If the miracle didn’t happen would I still follow Jesus? “YES” I said in my heart …….but the enemy, projecting fear whispered “NO” in my ear, “you’ll die without a trach”. It hit me… will I really count my life lost to find it? Am I willing to risk death to be utterly dependant on Jesus? These are the kind of questions that have been prompted by the Holy Spirit within me and questions I ask myself.

I have also considered the great multitude of followers that were with Jesus after the miracle of 5 loaves of bread and 2 fishes (Jn 6;9-10). Christ’s miracle drew many after him that were not in fact drawn to him. They were attracted, curious and satisfied by the miracle but their consciences were not convinced by the power of it. Jesus said in John 6:26  “Most assuredly, I say to you, you seek me, not because you saw the signs, but because you ate of the loaves and were filled”. They were self seeking. Multitudes of disciples only followed Jesus because He filled their bellies with bread. When Jesus said He was the bread of life and no man can follow Him unless they eat his flesh and drink his blood (Jn 6:53-56), many of these ‘curiosity’ seekers no longer continued to follow Him. I ask myself many times “have I been changed into a follower of Christ during this illness or am I just a miracle seeker?”

Jesus asked his 12 disciples this same question put another way. “Will you also turn back?” Peter responded; “‘Lord, to whom shall we go? Thou hast the words of eternal life.”
 
My heart cries out with Peter, “Where else can I go? What else can I believe? Who else has the words of life?”  I cannot listen to words of death that keep hunting me, Waiting to devour me like a hungry lion stalking helpless prey. I must continue to believe in Jesus the healer whose name is called YAHWEH RAPHA ; The Lord who Heals (Mt 8:16, 17). I do not sense God’s ‘dying mercies’ nor do I sense that I have fulfilled my life’s mission. I strongly believe Jesus has healed my inner man and it will be manifest. He has a future plan; I must be strong in my direction of faith risking apparent death or choose to be tied to a machine the rest of my days with no medical guarantees of a cure, for years to come.                                                                                           

I urgently needed to hear a word from the Lord concerning my decisions. I awoke one morning in March with the story of Paul being struck with blindness and asking the Lord what he was to do (Acts 9:6), The Lord had given a word to Ananias to go lay hands on Paul for Paul was to be healed for a future work. I considered if the Lord would send someone with a specific word for me. I asked Jesus to speak to me by the upcoming weekend of March 7 & 8 and give instruction. I felt assured that a visitor would come or someone would have a specific word for me by Sunday, March 8th, I confessed this to my family the preceding week. Well, no one came by our house and no word came……I thought… until Tuesday, the 10^th, when I received an e-mail from Ken and Celeste Dewey from Out of the Desert Ministries in New Mexico. Pastor Ken wrote:

 “…At Church on the 8th we prayed for you just like I said, but I did not tell you that the Lord moved me [unknowing why] to prayer for you. It came upon me as urgency and I called a prayer meeting before the Church, and even before we began to sing. All I can say is I FELT the URGENT NEED TO PRAY FOR YOU. This is not our normal way of doing things. We pray for people, but this time it was different. I felt a spirit of intercession come upon me and I began to weep before the Church. It was so noticeable. I did begin to feel and experience the tangible presence of the Lord.”

Pastor Dewey had his whole church pray and asked the Lord to give them a word for me on Sunday, March 8th. Wow, I’m overwhelmed by God’s care for his children that when they seek Him, knocking on His door He will open it. Ken also shared that:

” I want you to know that the response you sent is a confirmation as to the fact that God has answered your questions about what to do about the “trach” (breathing machine). I believe that whatever you do about the machine….God has healed you, and if you put it on….than you will find you do not need it.

Even as I opened the eyes of the blind man in John 9:1-38, I will raise you up SCOTT BRODIE. The blind man was blind for a reason and his healing remained ineffective until the proper time, for he was reserved and waiting till the day I came by and opened his eyes.”

I praise God for the Body of Christ and for individuals such as Pastor Ken and others who are obedient to the leading of the Holy Spirit. I have never met this man and have only exchanged a few e-mails previously. These words and the rest of his letter were confirmation of God’s personal word to me and a word of encouragement. I was strengthened to stay the course and not to deviate from what I had already sensed from the Lord.

This entry was posted on Sunday, March 15th, 2009 at 9:44 pm and is filed under Journal. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.