I’M ABLE TO TALK AGAIN! The ability of speech opens up so much more expression than I what I have been restricted to. For the last two months, I haven’t been able to speak but have instead been painstakingly spelling letters in the air or on the floor with my foot. This method is difficult for the listener (reader) to discern and understand. It takes a lot of energy from me and a lot of focus from the one I am trying to communicate with. Mostly, my communication has been limited to necessity.

 I have had to keep the cuff on my trach inflated to allow the air volume and support to go directly to my lungs not allowing air to escape through my nose & mouth.  My 25% lung capacity has been compromised with three infections from the colonization of the pseudomonas bacteria during June and most of July.

On July 28^th, my wife prayed before bed that we would be able to lower the cuff that was inflated in my trachea so I could begin speaking again. By lowering the cuff, air can pass from my lungs up through my larynx and upper respiratory so I can talk, smell, sneeze & cough (w/sound), blow my nose, etc. These things I haven’t been able to do while the cuff has been inflated day & night protecting my lungs from aspiration and further infections. During the night, I got an air leak in the cuff resulting in involuntary lowering of the cuff by it deflating itself. This was a fear provoking episode because of all the sputtering and coughing. I was out of breath (on the vent) and didn’t know if I could manage without full support of my lungs which is the primary purpose of keeping the cuff inflated. It was alarming as I gasped for air and tried to work through the adjustments. It took over an hour for my breaths to become regular with the aid of suctioning, use of my cough assist machine, an anxiety pill and the changing of the settings on my vent before things finally settled down so I could have some semblance of sleep. I’m so thankful to God for the way He continually sustains me when my body falters. He lives in me and through me and I depend on Him to keep me going for the work has for me to do. I’m always amazed how He brings me through trials and things are better than I ever thought they could be.

Wow! God answered prayer but not in the way we thought. Our plan would be to slowly work to deflate the cuff but instead within a few hours of going to bed, it involuntarily deflated. The next morning, my wife was able to get me in for an appointment with my ENT Doctor for a replacement trache.  We were ready to try a new Bivona® trache instead of the disposable Shiley® that I had been using (which had caused many problems). I noticed considerable benefits and comfort with the new fit. Since that day I have been talking and can enjoy smelling the flowers on the jasmine vine in our backyard among other things. My heart swells with thanksgiving to have been set free from condition of being ‘mute’. I had been limited to observations but with a deep longing to be engaged with dialogue. Now, let me “speak boldly as I ought to speak” (Eph 6:20b) sharing the Gospel of Good News to those of my generation. David exclaims in Psalm 139:14 that we have been fearfully and wonderfully made, our tongues are part of that design, may my tongue confess the goodness of God and the fruit of my lips give thanks.

“O Lord, open my lips, And my mouth shall show forth Your praise” (Psalm 51:15).

A particular song ministers to me as it replays within my mind… “Amazing Love…how could this be…that you would die for me?”  I wish to glorify the Lord as I lift up my praise in a prayer…

Jesus, thank you!! You are my King!! I am alive and well because your Spirit lives within me. Your amazing love died and rose again for me so that I could be forgiven and live!! You were despised and rejected so that I could be accepted. You bore my sin and sickness; you carried away my sorrow so I would not have to bear the burden of my sin. You were wounded for my transgressions and bruised for my iniquities so that I could be redeemed. By your stripes I have been healed (Is 53:3-5).

As I meditate on the struggles and victories of this life I am becoming more and more convinced that no affliction that I have experienced in this world either came sooner or fell heavier or continued longer than was needful. My hopes are not disappointed, but God is using all things to prepare me for a better eternal reward. Heaven will reveal the benefit and favor of our trials that extend to more people to glorify God. This is not only true for me but is absolutely true for you dear friend as well!

 “For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, is working for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory.” 2 Cor 4:17

This entry was posted on Tuesday, August 11th, 2009 at 1:41 pm and is filed under Journal. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.