Over the years, God has led Scott through many dark nights with the terminal illness of ALS. Traveling this path together has taken us into Death’s Valley; a lonely and desolate place for any soul. In these shadowlands our footing at times has been unstable; the effort of each step has developed in us a deeper trust in God. In this barren land, we thirst, longing and desperately seeking for the refreshment of Living Water. In God’s unfailing compassion, He has made springs in our desert and has prepared a table in our wilderness. He is near; His Word revives and nourishes our souls. Exceeding great and precious promises are ours in Christ. Steadfastly we hold fast to our hope in the confession of our faith leaning upon our Beloved Savior for comfort.

This journey has required us to go beyond outward religious observances, performance or preconceived interpretations defining the ways of God. He does not take pleasure in being limited by unbelief but will not be restrained if we seek Him earnestly. As I look back since Scott’s ALS diagnosis in 1997, I can testify of our Father’s equipping provisions and wondrous works as He has lovingly kept us in His care. His Word has become more relevant and alive to us. Yes, God has had mercy on His afflicted giving Scott and I confidence to rest in His love by faith.

The following medical episode has become a significant memorial of God’s faithfulness in our lives. Related to several months of 2009 which became a crucible time of our faith, the specific account on the night of June 3^rd chronicles what I perceived to be medical abandonment allowing for Scott’s closest experience with death. It has taken me time to process the limitation of Scott’s medical care in the Emergency Room that night. I have sought to gain perspective instead of the incredulity and utter helplessness I experienced while trying to advocate for my husband’s life.

“The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness”  Lam 3:22-23 (ESV)

March 21^st-April 28th  2009

For Scott’s tracheotomy surgery and recovery we spent six weeks in the hospital and nursing home. Scott had to learn to adapt to a ventilator machine controlling his breath instead of the natural involuntary action of breathing. Many aspects of Scott’s dependence and vulnerability dramatically increased due to this drastic intervention to support his breathing. In addition, there were numerous lifestyle adjustments we had to make when returning home including the management of our schedules; ventilator and supplies just to name a few. There were also home health nurse visits and follow up doctor appointments.

As we made different living adjustments the demands and schedule of daily care were new and difficult. God fortified our hearts “to stand” in our faith (Eph 6:13b “having done all; to stand”). Concerning the will of God; we felt impressed in our hearts not try to “figure” and theorize the whys, what’s next, or the how-to’s remembering that “Sufficient for the day is its own trouble” Matt 6:34b. At the time, we were slightly disillusioned with God, not comprehending His wisdom or ways. It seemed that He had hidden Himself from us. The instruction “to stand” was concise and simple and was all that we could do in our faith to trust God. We were in a helpless and needy place, desperate for more understanding. Scott and I did not know what lie ahead for our lives; our road was seemingly going to get more difficult. “To stand” was His instruction; it didn’t seem like much comfort at the time but became the reference point where, I believe, God took us deeper into abiding in His loving care, trusting Him despite of our circumstances.

May

The month following Scott’s discharge from Rainier Vista Nursing Home on April 28^th 2009, his body was feeling weaker and his stamina was diminishing.  He was still able to wean himself off the ventilator each day for 10-12 hours.  Scott complained of these symptoms to the home health nurse and requested to have an updated sputum lab test and evaluation with a treatment protocol for the pseudomonas bacteria in his mouth, throat and lungs. He was increasingly being restricted in his ability to breathe while on and off the ventilator The secretions within his mouth were again getting gelatinous, I could noticeably feel resistance performing “in-line” suctioning on Scott while he was on the vent (suctioning done through the trach tube into the upper part of the lungs). The tubing which could usually gently slide down Scott’s trachea no longer would glide but felt as if I needed to push down through something dense. The extension of the tubing was being impeded by the mucous and was so thick that I could not bring it up through this invasive suctioning method. A bacterial infection was colonizing and rapidly multiplying within his lungs. Scott was suffocating from this escalating infection.

By Monday, June 1^st, despite taking a powerful antibiotic tablet twice daily (prescribed the previous week) Scott no longer had the energy to get out of bed. He could not get off the ventilator as he had been doing. The other problem was the cuff (balloon) in his trach tube had ruptured and wouldn’t inflate to permit more volume support directly to Scott’s lungs. The deflated cuff allowed the pressurized air to escape through Scott’s mouth and nose and also caused frequent coughing.  Scott had no energy, motivation or initiative; he seemed to be slipping into a dangerous place of lethargy.  I made calls to his local pulmonologist inquiring about the need for IV antibiotics; I also called his pulmonologist at the UW research hospital. I franticly tried to arrange for the infectious disease clinic to treat Scott with IV antibiotics. I met resistance to all my attempts to obtain an Order for antibiotic infusion. By Wednesday, Scott had grown so weak he appeared to be sinking further into his recliner bed. He was not personally engaged with anything; conserving any expenditure of energy and sleeping a lot. I feared I was losing him; he was increasingly vanishing from life and seemed resigned to it. His dependence on the ventilator and hoses made it difficult to see how I would transport him to the hospital (which is less than one mile away). I kept insisting to him that we needed to take him to the Emergency Room but he was afraid and reluctant to move. I wanted to call the ambulance but knew that they would not transport him without his consent since he was conscious and able to refuse. All throughout the day, our caregiver, my daughter and I all tried to convince Scott that he should not wait any longer …. he needed to get immediate antibiotic intervention at the hospital. Finally, he agreed and we called the ambulance Wednesday evening.

Emergency Room- June 3^rd 9:30 pm

When Scott arrived to the hospital they ran a bunch of lab tests. They also did a trach exchange to replace the one that was ruptured. Once doing so, they inflated the cuff so the ventilator could more fully support his lungs and the air would not escape through Scott’s nose and mouth. I explained to the doctor that we had the test results from the recent sputum culture indicating heavy growth of pseudomonas bacteria (which can be extremely dangerous for people with poor lung health and weakened immune systems). I also informed the doctor of the ineffective tablet  antibiotic Scott  had just finished and a prescribed treatment of 2ml antibiotic aerosolized through a nebulizer (breathing the small dose of medicine) that he had begun that afternoon. I believed Scott needed something more immediate and powerful in his bloodstream to get him over the hump toward being able to manage this chronic infection by nebulization. The ER doctor acknowledged this approach.  Scott has a P.O.L.S.T statement on file at this particular hospital indicating that he chooses all life sustaining measures (including antibiotics).[1] When the ER doctor telephoned the pulmonologist-on-call, he was advised that Scott should be sent home to continue the treatment he had begun with the aerosolized antibiotic. Without even seeing Scott, this pulmonologist maintained that with no other signs of infection from his lab results, he only had a local lung infection.[2]

I asked the ER Doctor to please call the pulmonologist back to reaffirm this decision because I strongly believed Scott should receive intravenous antibiotics for expedient and thorough treatment. The ER doctor did as I asked but when he returned, he apologetically told us of his obligation to defer to the pulmonary specialist in this case and Scott would not be receiving I.V. antibiotics. He explained the concern of giving him the IV antibiotic that the bacteria could become more resistant to stronger antibiotics and eventually nothing would be left for Scott if he were to have Pneumonia in the future. I told him, I was more worried whether Scott could survive the night, not whether he would get a future pneumonia.

We were both stunned and in disbelief; trying to process the dismissal. We were helpless, in a desperate situation for survival, unable to appeal to other medical personnel in ER because the authoritative decision made (over the phone) by the specialist Doctor. Even though he was not present to ascertain Scott’s labored breathing while on the ventilator.

Suddenly, Scott’s eyes looked desperate and he got wide-eyed; something was distraughtly wrong. Since he couldn’t speak, he frantically motioned to me to get help, he started to turn purple although he was still attached to the ventilator (alarms going off) which was suppose to be breathing for him. I ran out of the room, yelling for assistance, the doctor and nurse rushed in and suctioned Scott. They dislodged either a blood clot or mucous plug and gave him additional oxygen.  He began to catch his breath.

I helplessly watched in desperation, afterward I sarcastically remarked to the nurse “yeah, he certainly looks like he should be sent home”. With compassion the nurse asked me if I thought he should be kept for observation. I said “YES!!” She left the room and made an appeal to the ER Doctor and another phone call was made to pulmonologist. Again, Scott was declined to stay for treatment or observation.  By this time I was very distraught and livid. Although Scott could not speak……I COULD and I WAS ADVOCATING our wishes (my friends know that I can be rather tenacious). I was appalled that Scott was being refused treatment at the one place I knew he should receive it! I subsequently refused to sign any release/discharge papers of any kind. With the ER Doctor still in the room, I asked Scott (who was fully cognizant) what it was that HE wanted and he spelled out the letters “HELP!” with his foot in exaggerated movement.

“Open your mouth for the speechless, in the cause of all who are appointed to die. Open your mouth, judge righteously, and plead the cause of the poor and needy” Proverbs 31:8-9

I could not comprehend that the hospital staff was restrained to help but instead were sending my husband home in this helpless state. I pleaded that Scott needed to stay. Seeing that I was distraught and attempting to console me, I was asked  patronizing questions concerning my state of well being. Volunteering  for  me how exhausted I must be as the primary caregiver and inquiring whether or not I had additional help at home. I felt pitied and belittled since this had nothing to do with why I was so adamant that Scott receive healthcare. Scott was the one at the hospital for medical attention and he needed it urgently! When the ER doctor returned to the room I could sense that he had regret, he apparently was caught in the middle. He was the Doctor who had direct contact with us and could see that Scott was in a desperate state. He then suggested that he would place another call to the pulmonologist and that I could talk to him. I eagerly said I would surely speak on the phone to the pulmonologist, the ER Doctor left the room to place the call. He quickly returned in a change of manner and said abruptly; it had been decided we were to leave and an ambulance was there to take us home. He then left the room.

The Charge Nurse came in to try to smooth over the situation explaining to me that the hospital was too full and that we wouldn’t be able to get into a room until morning anyway (it was already almost 3 am). He asked me persuasively if we wouldn’t “rather be home, wouldn’t that be what Scott would prefer”…had we not “already talked about Scott’s final wishes?….whether to be at home or ……?” His voice kind of trailed off, I think he read my face. He was trying to help but was making matters worse by implying Scott’s impending death. I was infuriated by his questions and told him that we had come to the hospital for help and Scott’s “final wishes” did not have anything to do with why we had come to have an infection treated. I knew then that the staff had given up on Scott.

Sent Home – June 4^th 3:30 am

The ambulance drove us home early Thursday morning; Scott returning without having received the antibiotic intervention we were convinced he needed. I was in the cab of the ambulance with tears of disbelief. I could not comprehend the Emergency Room sending Scott home as if he didn’t merit any further efforts from the physicians-these are the qualified practitioners we all go to for assistance in times of health crisis. This experience was my first introduction to what is considered futile care “the belief that in cases where there is no hope for improvement of an incapacitating condition, that no course of treatment is called for”.[3]

Those we dealt with in the ER may have supposed we did not see the “writing on the wall”.  After all, my husband has a terminal diagnosis of ALS and has outlived his life expectancy, Scott already having the life sustaining interventions of a feeding tube and tracheotomy. He had laid there looking so pale, his body wasted to skin and bones at 130lbs. We must have appeared to be a poor, pitiful couple. Did they suppose we were living in denial of the ALS demise? Was the concern that we were living in “False Hope”? This phrase (although widely used) negates hope. I have always been reluctant to caution a hopeful expectation. As discerning believers, trusting in The God of the Impossible enables our faith to rest in hope (Ps 16:9).  When we have nothing else by sight, we can still hope in the goodness of God. It is said of Abraham, the father of our faith “against all hope, Abraham in hope believed and so became the father of many nations” (Ro 4:8 NIV). The apostle Paul prayed “May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, that you may abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit (Ro 15:13). We can have “full assurance of hope until the end” (Heb 6:11) putting our hope in the living God, the Savior of all people and especially of those who believe (1Tim 4:10). Whether or not God works a miracle of physical healing for Scott or He continues to give him grace to live on; impacting others through the witness of Christ’s strength through weakness; we can rejoice in the hope of the glory of God “..because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy spirit who was given to us”  Ro 5:5b.

Scott has decidedly been in “denial” ever since he was given the pronouncement (in 1997) that he would die in two years. We were told when receiving Scott’s diagnosis that there is no-cure or any effective treatments available for the condition of ALS. At that time we were in our mid-thirties, very healthy and active, raising our young family. We worked in our emerging service business and were fully involved in our Church. That afternoon our futures seemed to be robbed from us. Scott was given no hope of watching our four kids grow up, no apparent hope of continuing to serve and pursue His calling in the Body of Christ. No financial security for our family and no possibility of he and I growing old together in marriage. This new “reality” impacted everything! Suddenly with this diagnosis there were no possibilities, only expert advice to “get your affairs in order”.

Years have passed and we are now in our early fifties; having hope when our faith was shaken has been a determined disposition taking us through years of suffering and hardship.  Many who have gone through various trials can attest that adversity has the potential to draw us ever dependent on God. We have to be willing to seek God in our affliction, He empowers us to overcome in our circumstance no matter what we face. When we have no control or strength of our own, we see the hand of God working in our lives, many times carrying us through. Scott and I pray we would not deny the Lord His predetermined purpose to glorify His Son through our lives. We pray that we “may live a life worthy of the Lord and please him in every way: bearing fruit in every good work, growing in the knowledge of God” (Col 1:10 NIV). This settled mindset and fixed heart will take us beyond our natural ability into His enabling grace storing up for ourselves exceeding great rewards in heaven (Mat 5:12). As the patriarch David said foreseeing the Lord’s Day “Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices; my body also will rest in hope” (Acts 2:26).  God’s provision through the Holy Spirit can quicken our mortal bodies and supersede natural laws. With a heart of faith, Scott’s “final wishes” are that he would be found to be a faithful servant of God, rejoicing in hope until the end of his life.

“For the LORD does not see as man sees; for man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart.” 1 Sam 16:7b

God made a Way

Thank God for His ministers and servants! I contacted our family physician’s  out of desperation as soon her office opened Thursday morning, June 4^th. Dr. Paula was instrumentally used to dispatch a home infusion company to come out the following day. They accessed Scott’s port and began him on a 10 day course of IV antibiotics. I can’t begin to thank her and her nurse for their empathy and speedy response. Dr. Paula has been our physician for 27 years; through 3 of my pregnancies, child wellness checks, immunization, ailments and the other concerns of our whole family over the years. Having known Scott since before the onset of any ALS symptoms, Dr. Paula has always advised and supported us through both traditional and alternative treatments. In addition, I can boast of her many house calls. One of those house calls was Friday, June 5th, after the infusion company’s nurse had come out to begin the antibiotic treatment for Scott. When Dr. Paula came to our home we visited in our bedroom she made her own observations of Scott’s condition. Scott was still unable to move from his recliner bed and ventilator. With an abundance of words from me and with the translation of the words Scott spelled out with his foot (because he couldn’t speak at the time) we recounted to our doctor, our friend, everything that had happened that week.  Scott wanted to pray a blessing over her for God’s supernatural wisdom and grace to bless her personally and her medical (ministry) practice. She humbly knelt on the floor and held Scott’s foot as I prayed over her. We are so thankful for God’s long term provision through Dr. Paula in her profession and expertise. We appreciate her immensely and believe for God to bless her abundantly in her personal and professional life.

I administered Scott’s antibiotic every 8 hours around the clock for the following 10 days. Scott responded to treatment within the first few days and was able to get off the ventilator and out of bed. He was very unstable and weak at first, not too sure of his own abilities, so our daily routine went very slow.  Scott didn’t get out of bed each day until 3-4 pm in the afternoon and could only manage to be off the ventilator for a few hours. We praise God that he could get off the vent at all. By becoming reliant on the pressurized volume of air support, many people become vent-dependent because their breath support is predictable and so much easier on the ventilator.

Eight days after Scott began the IV treatments he felt well enough to attempt a shower. I changed him into his swim trunks so that my daughter could help me. Scott was feeling very good, he and I joked around about him going to the beach since he was dressed for it. He looked a sight! We decided that if he was going to the beach we imagined he could play a little beach volleyball, so we found a volleyball and stuck it under his arm. We were having so much fun laughing with him. Lightheartedness is one of the ways our family has always handled the constant barrage of challenges we have faced over the years. The laughter was such a release from the pressures we had been under from the previous weeks.

“A merry heart does good, like medicine, But a broken spirit dries the bones” Proverbs 17:22 

 Recovery

Slowly, Scott began to recover in the following weeks. On Fathers day, June 21^st the kids were able to honor their dad. I appreciated the following quote on the issue of doubt and unbelief since I had my times of doubting that Scott would survive until Father’s Day.

The late revivalist Manley Beasley expounded to his friend that having doubt is not a sin but “it is a legitimate place where a believer may end up. It is a place where you are faced with having to either believe a lie about your circumstances or the truth of God’s Word. Once God quickens the truth to your heart, you respond in faith; you turn from your doubt. Doubt is not sin – staying there is sin.” [5]

As honest seekers we are always challenged in believing and trusting God.  We say also as did the apostles “Lord, increase our faith” (Luke 17:5).

During the following two months Scott and I were comforted by listening to CD’s of the Book of Psalms. The collection of prayers, poems and hymns included in the Psalms soothed our anguished hearts. We had difficulty grasping God’s plan in allowing this disease to continually test and threaten us; Scott felt especially weak and weary. Psalm 91 ministered the confidence and security we can know and experience in relationship with the Lord. Those who desire to find God will dwell in the secret place of the Most High where the Almighty promises to be with them (vs.1). The secret place is not somewhere out there but in our own spirit. Our life is hid in Christ (the secret place). He is the source of truth in my life and he dwells within us as believers.  In humility we commune with the Majesty of God, His presence reassures us of His unfailing love. The Psalm declares the Lord as our refuge and fortress (vs.2) delivering His people from the trap and protecting us from pestilence (vs.3).  Scott and I clung and confessed the following verses:

“Surely He shall deliver you from the snare of the fowler and from the perilous pestilence. He shall cover you with His feathers, and under His Wings you shall take refuge; His truth shall be your shield and buckler. You shall not be afraid of the terror by night, Nor of the arrow that flies by day, Nor of the pestilence that walks in darkness, Nor of the destruction that lays waste at noonday.” Psalm 91:3-6

In our trouble, God is with us and delivers us (Ps 91:15). In Scott and my own search during affliction has revealed His providential care; we trust in the Lord’s mercy for rest and refuge.

Reflection and Application

I’ve now had a few years to gain perspective looking back to the perilous months before and after Scott’s tracheotomy surgery in 2009.  All hell seemed to be closing in to extinguish Scott’s life, to prevent him from being a light to this world and share the Good News of the Gospel. Scott’s increasing dependence upon others has rendered him powerless to control even his own breath. As we identified with Jesus, we confronted our own “Gethsemane” experience to surrender to the Father; “Not my will but thine”. At times, we agonized in our prayers because God, for some reason, was silent choosing rather to hide Himself (Ps 42; 43; Luke 19:41-42).

“I can of Myself do nothing. As I hear, I judge; and My judgment is righteous, because I do not seek My own will but the will of the Father who sent Me” Jn 5:30 

I have watched God’s covering of protection see Scott through many close calls to praise the Lord another day. If the Lord had not intervened in mercy with deliverance and provision, Scott would not be alive today. At times we have felt as though we were drowning in our circumstance, floodwaters driving us beyond the borders of our capacity. God faithfully brings us through these waters too deep to cross (Ezek 47:3-6) taking us places we may not willingly go. His mighty river transforms death into Life by the flow of the Spirit carrying us the increasing current of the Lord; according to the will of God and not our own.

“There is a river whose streams shall make glad the city of God” Psalms 46:4 

Over the years, despite monumental opposition against the calling on Scott’s life, we have been compelled to walk ever closer to our Savior. As we incline our ears to hear His voice, we experience His Living Word. He  enlarges us to grow and sow seeds of faith into the lives of others; walking as stewards of the manifold Grace of God.

 “the things which happened to me have actually turned out for the furtherance of the gospel” Phil 1:12 

SCOTT BRODIE June 2009 Sent Home

Glennis tells of Scott being denied IV antibiotics and admittance to hospital

Footnotes:        

[1] Scott had stayed at this same hospital for his Tracheotomy surgery just 2 months prior; on file they had the documentation of Scott’s Advanced Directives, Power of Attorney and P.O.L.S.T statement (Physicians Order for Life Sustaining Treatment). A checkbox within this statement informs medical personnel NOT to refuse antibiotics if life can be prolonged; Scott consented to all interventions, those were his wishes. Considered “Full-Code” his POLST was signed the month prior, incidentally, by the pulmonologist on-call who gave the orders to send Scott home without antibiotic treatment.

[2] Pseudomonas can become systemic through the bloodstream and become fatal. The Cystic Fibrous populations consistently have to be treated with antibiotics because of the persistent and colonizing character of pseudomonas and other forms of bacteria that can be life threatening.

[3] Wikipedia®, 29 May 2011

[4] Wikipedia®, updated 14 August 2010

[5] Ron Owens 2009 Manley Beasley: Man of Faith- Instrument of Revival  Crossroads Publishing pg 137.

The ambulance drove us home June 4th, 2009; Scott returning without having received the antibiotic intervention he needed for his lung infection. Scott had stayed at this same hospital for his Tracheotomy surgery just 2 months prior; on file they had the documentation of Scott’s Advanced Directives, Power of Attorney and P.O.L.S.T statement (Physicians Order for Life Sustaining Treatment). A checkbox within this statement informs medical personnel NOT to refuse antibiotics if life can be prolonged; Scott consented to all interventions, those were his wishes. Considered “Full-Code” his POLST was signed the month prior, incidentally, by the pulmonologist on-call who gave the orders to send Scott home without antibiotic treatment.

I could not comprehend the Emergency Room sending Scott home as if he didn’t merit any further efforts from the physicians-the qualified practitioners we all go to for assistance in times of health crisis. This experience was my first introduction to what is considered futile care “the belief that in cases where there is no hope for improvement of an incapacitating condition, that no course of treatment is called for.”

I spent the next several weeks after our hospital encounter in June delving into the arguments of Futility of Care and Passive Euthanasia. Futile Care could be defined as care that fails to achieve benefit. Although there is no generally accepted medical definition of “futile care” a physicians’ assessment allows a medical establishment to withdraw or withhold treatment measures and instead dispense only “comfort (palliative) care”. The same determination not to treat is also the criteria for initiating hospice care for persons with less than six months to live. Passive euthanasia is another term defined as “the withholding of common treatments, such as antibiotics, necessary for the continuance of life.”[1] Treatment decisions may be established on unexpressed assumptions about prognosis and quality of life, basing decisions and recommendations on the practitioner’s personal moral values. The patient’s life may be viewed as not “workable” or worth treating.

Both of these issues present personal and controversial ethics concerning social and religious values. Diminishing a person’s life and worthiness collides with my knowledge of God’s love for each living soul. I’m saddened at the awareness that many elderly and otherwise helpless people (and their loved ones) experience this harsh actuality and end-of-the-road realization many families have to face. I had not been aware of this cruel reality up until Scott was sent home from the hospital with no treatment although fighting an infection and unable to breathe. Room must be made for those who can be helped. Instead time, resources, insurance coverage and allowances dictate. We may acknowledge validity of these limitations; however, when your loved one is the one being refused care brings home the anguish that you are powerless to help and those that can….wont.

Most of our lives we don’t give much thought to these matters until we are made painfully aware because of the life threatening conditions of those near to us. Perhaps that’s why it hit me so hard; it seemed that Scott was being classed as a futile case although He has never been on hospice care. His spirit and his will to live was/is so strong. We simply went to the hospital because of Scott’s lung infection. Unfortunately, because of Scott’s terminal diagnosis and the interventions he has already had, I no longer have confidence to take Scott the hospital. I suspect the medical plan at best would be comfort or hospice care.

In the midst of my discouragement, I am reminded that God is the Great Physician and Scott is ultimately God’s patient. If He intends to continue to lengthen Scott’s days, HE WILL!

“that we were burdened excessively, beyond our strength, so that we despaired even of life; indeed, we had the sentence of death within ourselves so that we would not trust in ourselves, but in God who raises the dead; who delivered us from so great a peril of death, and will deliver us, He on whom we have set our hope. And He will yet deliver us” 2Cor 1:8b-10 NASB

SCOTT BRODIE June 2009 Sent Home

Glennis tells of Scott being denied IV antibiotics and admittance to hospital

_______________________________

[1] Wikipedia®, updated 14 August 2010

Why did Jesus ask the blind man, the lame man, and the leper what they wanted Him to do for them?

This was the same question Jesus asked me in the divine visitation I experienced while in Arizona in 1998, thirteen years ago giving me a life changing intervention of hope, purpose and future!

Overwhelmed in Jesus’ intensive love I somehow managed to answer His question “what is it that you want?” speaking through thoughts, not audible words, I gave Him my plea… “I want to be healed” Jesus immediately responded “Your healing has already begun.”  Initially, I thought this meant instant physical healing but have come to the awareness of Jesus wanting to give me a complete, thorough healing rather than the instantaneous manifestation of healing I was seeking. He wanted to heal my body, soul, mind and spirit beginning with my inner man; transforming my outer man. I had committed my life to God 15 years earlier and was growing in His Word but this thorough healing I barely knew I was in desperate need of.  God knows His own purposes for each of our lives and desires to glorify His Son in our heart and actions. I have always believed ultimate healing is found in heaven when we die and receive a new body. But healing reversals and deliverance does happen in the “now” while living on the earth. Praise the Lord, God is our healer!

We pray, believing that He is willing, in the communion of prayer, which includes listening, I must co operate with the voice of the Holy Spirit as He leads me. Those of us who have extended trials, are in good company with other biblical accounts such as Moses, Abraham, Joseph, Paul and other patriarchs & apostles. Countless other Christian disciples have waited with perseverance and endurance for their answer. We must not grow weary but need to keep our confidence, trusting God. He tells those who labor and are heavy laden to come to Him and He will give them rest for their souls (Mt 11:28). He describes himself in this passage as one meek and lowly. We often forget that our Savior God was a man of suffering acquainted with grief (Isaiah 53),  the chastisement of our PEACE was upon Him. We must strive to have the peace and rest of God; He calls us beside these still waters. For you who struggle, do you seek to know the Father’s heart and His thoughts toward you? He is touched by our feelings of infirmity. By sending His Son to reconcile the world to Himself, He has defeated the enemy and met the demands of His justice. We can come boldly to His Throne of Grace to find help in the time of need.

I continually sought God for relief from my circumstance. The enrollment in the school of patience and suffering began to materialize true substance of faith in my life. There was for me hidden manna for nourishment and sustenance feeding my spiritual hunger and living water to quench my thirst. God continues to provide for me a table in the wilderness where my needs are wonderfully supplied.  The Father’s ways are so completely different than our ways. Where we may have once depended on religious formulas or church doctrine; we now come to rely on our daily communion with Him. We learn to hear His voice saying “this is the way, walk ye in it” (Is 30:21). God is infinitely beyond our total comprehension, He deals with us uniquely, knowing His plans for us and the thoughts and intents of our heart. In our urgent and desperate need for answers during affliction and trials, we need to draw closer to hear His voice, not led about in confusion by every wind and doctrine. God will speak to our souls making His Word come alive, empowering us to many acts of faith.

“But without faith it is impossible to please him: for he that cometh to God must believe that he is, and that he is a rewarder of them that diligently seek him” Heb 11:6

In my vision, I was also asked by Jesus if I had any additional requests. I answered that I only desired to serve Him. Jesus’ response has perplexed me ever since that day. He said “where?” I thought; “wherever you want me to Lord, you already know.” He again said, “Where”? I thought “wherever I can reach the most souls.” He again said, “Where?” Because the Lord had to ask me the same question three times, my spirit grieved within me. Then suddenly I understood that Jesus was initiating and referring to a physical location. As soon as I had this revelation in my spirit then I responded to His question, “Phoenix, Arizona.” I do not know why I said Phoenix, Arizona, but He seemed happy with my answer and gave an expression of agreement. Since that time in 1998, my wife and I have been to Phoenix three times and Flagstaff twice for short ministry trips of 3-4 days. We have also expanded our small service business into the Phoenix area in 2008. I have not been able to put behind me nor forget the words of promise and assurance that saturated my soul. The experience gives me cause to believe that there is something yet unfilled for me to effect in Phoenix.

“Eye has not seen, nor ear heard, Nor have entered into the heart of man the things which God has prepared for those who love Him”  2 Cor 2:9

My wife and I are praying, purposing and planning to go to Arizona again this year. This time, we are intending to stay for an extended period of time to see how God leads. We want to see God’s potential through our lives if we cooperate and fully trust Him. The persistent leading of the Holy Spirit does not let me ignore or deviate from this call. I sense His conditional proposal to step out with a heart to reach the lost, my response in faith is required. Although I cannot physically make anything happen by myself, Christ can open the doors and make the way.  Having exercised patience to wait for God’s timing, I believe  restraint has been lifted and it is the time act.  Time to cast off any fear of our welfare and trust the Lord with all our hearts, not leaning on our own insight or power (Prov. 3:5,6). Intensely conscious of our total dependence on God for everything, we are preparing to take hold of this personal promise because He has given us an expectation in His love.

For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the LORD, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end” Jer 29:11

Apr 25^th  2011,  4:00 am

In my dream I saw my grandma, she died in 1989 and has been in other dreams I’ve had.

I was with her in heaven and I wanted to know if it was her and I asked “how did you get here?”  She said “salvation is by grace through faith”. ((Eph 2:8-9)) 

We were at some type of gathering and there were a lot of people but I knew there were some missing, people who had gone on before. Grandma said “there are many that are missing”. Then I heard the Spirit say clearly “He spared not the angels but cast them into hell.” ((2 pet 2:4))

The truth of what my grandma said about “grace through faith” was still resonating with me. We have been given the grace of God to receive salvation but our part is to believe in Him through faith. We must have faith in God, accepting the sacrifice of His Son who God sent to die on our behalf so that we might have peace with God.

Although, a basic tenet of Christianity and being what we first understood when receiving Christ as Savior. At this moment, I had more of an understanding of God’s sovereignty to allow people to enter hell by rejecting His grace in unbelief. “But without faith it is impossible to please Him, for he who comes to God must believe that He is, and that He is a rewarder of those who diligently seek Him.” He 11:6

It was a real blessing to finally meet Retah McPherson from South Africa  last October.  I had been corresponding with Retah and her office manager, Judike, for over 3 years by e-mail. Retah graciously decided to forego a much-needed rest in between flights from Dallas to Canada and stop in Puyallup so she could visit and minister. Glennis and I picked Retah and her friend up at the airport where instantly Retah began ministering to me by wiping my face from excess saliva and leaning over to hear my words. I’m aware that many people shy away from me because of how I look and talk but not Retah McPherson! Retah shares her story on her webpage www.rethamcpherson.com

I was very inspired  after watching a series of recent video messages that Retah and her son Aldo did. What strikes me most about these videos is the interaction between Retah and Aldo. Retah  patiently waits for Aldo to complete speaking a word or sentence before she continues teaching the Word of God. Also she said, “I learn so much from you Aldo!” This is a beautiful illustration of how our Abba Father lovingly draws us out from the world and sets us apart to serve only Him. He is patient and gentle creating within us a capacity to draw near to Him.

 “I drew them with gentle cords, with bands of love” Ho 11:4

We are born into this world and naturally attached to it. Not seeing our need for Christ or anything in Him worth coming for. God supernaturally attracts and draws us out of our present state and circumstance to look to Him. Not against our wills by force and compulsion nor by mere moral persuasion but by the invincible power of His grace; sweetly working in us and attracting us. He does this by revealing Christ to us, in the glories of his person and in the riches of his grace. Sweetly alluring us by His tender mercies, by engaging our soul’s need for Christ we commit ourselves to him and enter into His everlasting love.

 ^“No one is able to come to Me unless the Father who sent Me attracts and draws him and gives him the desire to come to Me…” Jn 6:44

“His divine power has given to us all things that pertain to life and godliness, through the knowledge of Him who called us by glory and virtue, by which have been given to us exceedingly great and precious promises, that through these you may be partakers of the divine nature” (2 Pet 1:3-4a).

Scott’s most profound promise from God, years ago, impacted him greatly. He has always referred to his encounter of ’98 as his call from God encouraging him to share the gospel to thousands. In Scott’s visitation, his petition for healing was received, Scott heard the answer that “his healing had already begun” as if it was no big deal for Jesus. Scott was surprised that more time wasn’t spent talking about his healing since that was his weightiest burden. Instead the dialogue continued as to what else was on Scott’s heart.  He felt drawn to make other requests. We have always carried the conversation Scott had with Jesus during this night in our hearts. We desire to understand the depth of what was being communicated and imparted. God has continued to give greater revelation of  His Will as we have come to know Him through His Word.

“We are convinced of better things in your case—the things that have to do with salvation. We want each of you to show this same diligence to the very end, so that what you hope for may be fully realized. We do not want you to become lazy, but to imitate those who through faith and patience inherit what has been promised” (Heb 6:9b, 11-12 NIV).

In the Halls of Faith in Hebrews Chapter 11, not only those that believed the promises did mighty exploits for God but others that held the promises by faith; although they did not obtain them in this lifetime. It was still by faith they had the victory. By faith these heroes discovered the mind of God and were fully persuaded of Truth. They embraced the Word and confessed by their obedience and obtained a good testimony through faith.

The patriarchs, Jacob and Joseph, who requested their bones be carried out from the land of Egypt, saw something afar off and were assured of them (Gen 49:29-50:14). Also, Abraham and Sara were promised an innumerable inheritance born as the sand of the seashore (Heb 11:8-12). David saw faith accounted for in righteousness fulfilled centuries later through the New Covenant promise (Ro 4:6). He had a revelation of grace that was unparalleled in the Old Testament.  Whether, at a future time on this earth or in Eternity, the promises of God we cling to will be fulfilled.

By faith, Moses forsook Egypt, not fearing the wrath of the king; for he endured as seeing Him who is invisible (Heb 11:27). We do well to “hold fast to our confidence which has great recompense of reward” (Heb 10:35). In the following verse we are exhorted that we have need of endurance, that after having done the will of God, we may receive the promise (vs.36). The race set before us is the analogy of our lives, we are reminded to run with endurance (Heb 12:1b) being mindful of the great cloud of witnesses that have gone before us. We are to cast of every weight, looking to the finisher of our faith, Jesus!

In Hebrews 11, verses 30-39, we read of those that overcame. Some subdued kingdoms, worked righteousness, obtained promises, escaped the sword, out of weakness were made strong, became valiant in battle.  Others were tortured, not accepting deliverance…mocked and scourged, in chains and imprisoned, being stoned, sawn in two, tempted and slain with the sword. Still others wandered about being destitute, afflicted, and tormented “of whom the world was not worthy” (vs.38a).  “…All of these, having obtained a good testimony through faith, did not receive the promise, God having something better for us, that they should not be made perfect apart from us” (vs. 39-40). This seems to be a mystery of our resurrected life to come; hard to comprehend the revelation that these overcomers lived and died by.

Some of these saints did not obtain their promise in this life but they laid hold of it by faith, without wavering. God’s promises never perish for the One who promises is faithful. These saints, having been made spectacles by reproaches and tribulations knew that they had a better and enduring possession for themselves in heaven. We also are not to cast away our confidence which has great reward but we need endurance, so that after we have done the will of God, may receive the promise (Heb 10:35-36).

 “according to my earnest expectation and hope that in nothing I shall be ashamed, but with all boldness, as  always, so now also Christ will be magnified in my body, whether by life or by death. For to me, to live is Christ, and to die is gain” Phil 1:20-21

I have few words but save them for you my beloved! I remember telling you, “I would not be alive if not for you!” without hesitation you said it was God not you. Another time I said I cannot go on but you gave me Gods promise and told me Gods not done with us, we are a team! That has always been you, Giving God glory and never giving up. We are a team, faith and fight! I marvel at how selfless and giving you are. No matter the challenges you face whether it’s our kids, finances, needs of others or health you always find a way to pour yourself out and help someone else! You never seek recognition or honor but continually lay your life down and serve others. How blessed and undeserving I am to be called “your husband”. Not only on this earth but in the ages to come I hope I would be granted the privilege of washing your feet! I LOVE YOU! YOUR LOVING HUSBAND scott. 1/20/2011

Earlier this year, while on our trip to Arizona, we observed the 1^st Anniversary of my husband’s tracheotomy surgery April 1^st, 2009. How awesome to celebrate this milestone under a Big Tent Revival Meeting in the Phoenix area. Our pilgrimage to Arizona seemed to be spiritually symbolic as if adding another stone to a pillar of promise given Scott in 1998. God significantly impressed upon him to reach people in the Phoenix area. Over the years, we both have wrestled with God to understand the full meaning of this discourse during his personal, divine encounter. By faith, Scott received a promise for his future, which has always kept him believing for healing and personal ministry in the face of his terminal diagnosis of Lou Gehrig’s disease (in 1997). Scott’s tenaciously lays hold to the initiation of faith he received from his Savior.

I am reminded of a great patriarch in Scripture, Jacob, who wrestled all night with God for a blessing; and was forever changed by his encounter. It was at that place and time that Jacob’s name was changed to “Israel”. From then on Jacob always walked with a limp; continually keeping him mindful of his experience at the place he named Peniel (literally, ‘Face of God’). Jacob later became the father to the 12 tribes of the nation of Israel.

In our own lives, we can also recognize some struggles in our circumstances might reveal our struggle with God. Instead of wrestling with God, we can receive His blessing and find our Father in the place of intimate relationship. He will impart His grace and equipping when we surrender and trust Him. His Spirit is the One who changes and prepares us to our meet challenges in the face of conflict. Glory to God!

 “So Jacob called the name of the place Peniel: “For I have seen God face to face, and my life is preserved ” Gen 32:30 (NKJV).